It became a common occurence in our household for someone to ask me during the healing journey, “how are you doing?” or “how do you feel?”. I began to answer with percentages – 60%, 70%, 80%, 90% better. What I have realized lately, is that the numbers are skewed from our chronic illness perspective.
My 90% better is not a normal person’s “I only feel 10% sick”. Let me say that another way even more confusing- just because I’m 90% better does not mean I am at 90%. Its kind of like grading on the curve. My post Lyme disease 90% is kind of like my old 50-60%. I can function at that level for a little while and no one will know I am tired or fighting a cold, but too many days in a row and I will crash.
I can and have accepted that my new 100% will never be what it was before or what a non-chronic illness person experiences. I will never have an Olympic athlete’s 100% – I just want a Post Lymie 100%.
I also can say in the past year, that I can handle almost 90% of what the world throws at me on a daily basis. With the exception of saving people from burning buildings or paddling a canoe upstream, I think I am doing the “life routine” with kids, errands, work and household pretty well. But that last 10%, well, its hasn’t been doing so hot.
That 10% is what throws off my 90%. If the kids are sick more than 2 days in a row and I lose sleep and mental energy to combat their illness, or the car goes in the shop and I have to juggle the schedule different, or my husband is out of town, or supervising 6 kids at a pumpkin patch…..these are the “little” things that when functioning at 90% can quickly drop the numbers to a non-functioning status – quickly.
My 90% I have discovered is wrapped up in an eggshell delicately on a breakable shelf. Any little or big thing can shatter my seamless world and wreak havoc once again. It seems these small incidents have the power over more percentage points that I want them to have. Instead of toppling a 5% downward over burnt cupcakes or a broken hot water heater, it can crash me down 20-25% points.
Well, why can’t you just live at 90% the rest of your life and learn to cope?
Why, couldn’t the princess sleep on the giant pile of mattresses even though there was a teeny tiny little pea at the very bottom. The bed would definitely be above the 90% standard for comfort – maybe even in the 99% for a princess – just for that little bitty pea.
My last 10% is like that little pea. I can feel it. I can’t stand not knowing how many spontaneous stresses will tip my scale this week. I need to know I can be strong for my kids and be their safety net. It may sound selfish, but I want my New Normal 100%. I want that last little pebble of a pea to be removed from my mattress of life and let me live to the fullest again.
For you Lymies who have yet to reach your new 90% I pray this for you to – may you reach the upper zone of your scale.
Until that day – I cling to this promise:
I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord. (Psalm 27:13-14)
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