My daugter was so excited that we got a free angel decoration with our new house. The previous owners had left this angel in the garage for us to find and use – I suppose. Now after unpacking her and setting her up and letting her live on our front porch for awhile, I kind of understand why the previous owners left her.
She is an independent angel, kind of an unweilding spirit of sorts and she does not like the Kansas wind. Her wings and arms fall off at random due to the unforeseen circumstances of weather. Does that mean she should be an inside display? I’m not sure I’ve ever seen an indoor 4 foot angel on display in someone’s house.
Her halo will no longer go on at all, maybe from years of pretending she was perfect. She does not like to blow her trumpet toward the street facing away from the house. She prefers to face the house and hide her trumpet, apparently too shy to share with outsiders or strangers. We had to find a concrete block to anchor her down or she would have been down the street, or rather, in another county due to our wind gusts in Kansas.
As I have been wrestling this “high-maintenance” angel that has a mind all her own, I began to think how much I am like her in more ways than I would like to admit.
1. Despite the fact that people have expectations of me, sometimes I just don’t want to or can’t meet them. In chronic illness, sometimes you just fall off the map with a regression or set back or just hit a wall that takes awhile to climb over. In those interims of time, people will not understand you and why you are not “functioning” or why you “disappear”.
2. Despite appearances, things may be off and “duct-taped” together. I may look like I am a “normal” person with a “normal” family, but we are far from it. My school mornings don’t just contain backpacks, lunch making, school clothes and breakfast – they also contain detox baths, Biomat time, essential oils slathered on feet, bio-energetic testing and multiple remedies. Seriously I’m genuinely surprised when we all make it out the door. I feel alot like that angel, that at the end of the day one of my arms in lying on the floor and one of my wings is barely there and I’ve been missing my halo for years……
3. I didn’t ask for this hat. As a mom, there are certainly things I didn’t expect and you couldn’t prepare me for, but nothing could have prepared me for this. Functioning as a recovering chronically ill person and trying desparately to heal my chronically ill kids is not for the faint of heart or delicate in spirit – no wonder my halo is missing. Sometimes it gets plain ugly around here, sometimes I come unglued, and sometimes I cannot find that halo for the life of me. These are things I am not proud of but have to admit. I don’t have the capacity for what I have to do each day. I sometimes blow a gasket because I just have nothing left in the tank and no answers to fix what my kids need. Sometimes I just wish someone would weld back on my halo.
4. I really don’t want to be around others. I am so thankful for the inner circle God has given me. A circle full of unconditional loving friends and other warrior moms fighting the fight. I am so thankful they get that I just want to disappear sometimes. Somedays I just have to keep my head down and do one minute at a time. Some days I just want to turn my back to the crowd and hide. Sometimes it is okay to tuck tail and run for the hills and find the nearest cave.
5. I don’t want to perform on cue and don’t want to pretend anymore. I might have a huge trumpet in my hands but I don’t want to play on cue anymore. I want to play the “tunes” that I know, not for the masses. I can only play what I know now, I can only tell others and share with others the journey I am on now. I cannot play with the multitudes anymore. I have to sing my own tune the best I can, when I can, to whom I can.
Honestly, I’m okay now with the kind of “broken” angel I am because I was “fearfully and wonderfully” made and “he has plans for me and a hope and a future”. I am okay with my new role in life and with the purpose I have. (Psalm 139:14 and Jeremiah 29:11)
I have wondered if we should trash the high maintenance angel before next Christmas season, but now I am getting attached to the idea of what she represents. I don’t want her to be perfect and like all the others, I just want her to be who she wants to be.
I’ve learned that I don’t have to do all of this on my own. “It is in my weakness that His strength is made perfect” (2 Corinth 12:9)
Blessings and Healing
Janice Fairbairn – The Lyme Evangelist
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