Mother’s Day can fill me with unspeakable joy and it can wretch my heart with the most intense negative emotions at the same time. My eyes fill with tears just thinking about the floodgate that I feel at times in motherhood. Motherhood with chronic illness. Motherhood for my chronic illness children. My motherhood life filled with doctors, therapies, research, agony, pain, fear, remedies, ER visits, mysteries and guilt. Don’t even get me started about the guilt.
I have long ago mourned what my motherhood will not be. It will not be typical and it will not be normal. It will not be easy or smooth or routine. There will be no drive thru windows, no club sports, no summer camps, no easy going playdates or parties without special snacks and pounds of extra effort. There will be no adopted kids or larger family for us. There will be no glamorous vacations or mission trips oversees.
But God in his goodness gives in abundance in unseen ways above our dreams. Because “loss” it is not a loss anymore. He has filled my quiver with many “littles” and “extras” I get to love on and live among. My life is full and abundant despite the obstacles in my path. The rest was just fluff that was not eternal in meaning. Those dreams were okay to die.
I came to terms with that long ago. If you are still here mourning. I hear you. I know your heart’s desire. I know you had dreams and plans for parenting and it sucks that they are gone. But you must let them go. You must be where you are. What we can do and achieve today is beyond what I ever thought possible 10 years ago, 5 years ago, and even 2 years ago. There is progress even where there is pain.
I am where I am. I accept where I am. I accept the gift God has given me in helping others and sharing my heart.It doesn’t change the 2 am prayers and agony as I weep for healing. I beg and command and shout and scream and cry for healing. My pain and aches for it to be over is raw. It is still alive with each breath of my heart. Each new season, each new layer, each new life experience is one we have to navigate with earnest and a PhD in chronic illness and trepedatious hearts with layers of endless prayers.
I know what you carry. I know what you weep for. I know the depth of the layers of your pain, agony, and guilt. I know. I know the list of what you wish you were doing and the list of things never getting done. I know the nagging in your heart that you just can’t give the time to listen to or it might shatter the last part of you standing.
I know the voices in your head. I hear the voices in your heart. I know we live a life unknown to many. I know it feels no one understands. But there is an army. There are hundreds of us. Thousands of us – warrior mommies. Despite our weaknesses, we are turning the tide of life and living in our homes. In spite of our failing, our kids know they are loved and that we would fight to the death to save the parts of them that seem lost.
You are making a difference. You are doing it. You can do it. I chant to you just as I say it to myself. You did some things right today. You did better. You accomplished something. They are loved. You are loved. Tomorrow is another day.
Healing will come. Relief is ahead. Joy comes in the morning. Spring is around the corner. How do I know? It just has to. When I stop believing any good is ahead, then hope is dead. But, hope is not dead. Hope rose from the dead because the tomb is empty. If hope is alive then good is always ahead. There is no other way to think this. There is no other way to approach this. No other way.
You don’t see it but you are beautiful. You are amazing. You are making a difference. War on. The battle is still there, but its turning. You can’t see it yet, but God does. I meet more of you each week and you amaze me. You encourage me. I get weary and you encourage me. We are a family of fighting mommies together, spreading courage around like sprinkles on cupcakes. Just enough here and there to leave our mark. You might not know you are doing it, but you are.
Thank you for making a difference. Thank you that I am not alone. Thank you for sticking together.
As you war and weep and pray and agonize I war and weep and pray with you. Let our tears be an offering of thanksgiving for the beautiful lives we get to work so hard for. They are worth it. They are worth more. These kids, these chronically ill kids battle even more than me. I will work and war for their gain. Not because I desire anymore for their lives to be normal. No more.
But I war and I wage and I work for the chance for their lives to be extraordinary. They deserve a shot beyond normal. I ask a double portion of blessings for the burden they carry and endure. They deserve to be all that God designed them to be and knock the world’s socks off.
Father God I pray and declare over these homes, these moms and these children – I declare healing, prosperity, hope, peace and stamina until you bring all these things to pass. I declare a double portion of extraordinary blessings over their lives. I speak opportunity over their lives that they may have the chance to turn many to your kingdom and impact the world in amazing ways. Let them breathe easy, rest easy, let their physical vessels come under your kingly authority as their creator and work to glorify you by being cast in your perfection. Thank you for the gift of life. Thank you for the gift of children. Thank you for the gift of a mommy army. Thank you for my blessings, my sweet children. Thank you for all you have brought into my quiver and those to come. Amen boom.
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day. (Psalm 139:13-16 The Message)
Happy Mother’s Day
Blessings and healing,
Janice Fairbairn – The Lyme Evangelist
Coming Soon – Hope Matters – A Devotional Compilation Book with stories of hope for Chronic Illness
softcover book – http://www.amazon.com/author/janicefairbairn
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