Recently in town of my first (of 5) colleges, I took a trip down memory lane and drove by all the old haunts. As I was cruising and reminiscing, I realized something about the person I was then and who I am now.
Young Janice was naive, carefree, irresponsible, selfish, desperate, couldn’t plan out past the next 5 min, wild and bold, tactless, brash, and was searching to fill an emptiness.
Now, older Janice is wise, responsible, satisfied, a planner, still bold and brash, yet fulfilled.
There was a time I longed to return to the carefree state of youth, but not anymore. My physical self is not what it used to be, but my soul and spirit are fulfilled and intact. I carry the battle scars of great love, betrayal, jealousy, addiction, near misses with the law from a life too well lived, deep losses, chronic illness and more than one brush with death. I wear these battle scars proudly and loudly. There are who I am. I don’t want to be that young version of myself again. She was way to selfish, way to naive and way to desperate.
In fact, in one of my pity parties in the height of my chronic battle with Lyme disease, I begged the Lord for a piece of normal again. To be who I was and he replied clear as a bell in my ear “but that person was selfish”.
I am who I was but a better version of myself. History builds character, especially when we learn from it. The best part is no longer being empty. I am fulfilled by chasing my Savior. Not needing beer or boys anymore to tell me my worth is so freeing.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. (2 Corinth 4:16)This verse sums up how I feel in hindsight after my trip down memory lane. Would I do it differently again – absolutely. But I cannot dwell in regrets or in the past. I have today and that is all I have been given. Tomorrow is a gift not yet received and I can’t hold it too tight, because its ownership is still unknown, its title held in the hands of the giver of life.
If you are struggling with who you are in this illness. Wear the scar proudly, but let it be a scar not an open wound. This disease is not who you are, it cannot have more of you than just the physical self. Keep your emotions and spirit strong and courageous and apart from the illness. It cannot have who you are. It is not who you are.
It can refine your character. It can teach lessons. It can renew your mind – but it cannot have your soul.
After the battle is done, after the smoke clears, after the war is done – who is the you who remains?
Blessings and healing,
Janice Fairbairn
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