The Panic Cloud

With the pregnancy of my first child, I daydreamed and planned all the wonderful things that would be in store for me in motherhood. I imagined playdates, and field trips, and tickle fights and fixing owies. As a soon to be mother, all of have our head in the clouds not understanding how hard it is to see the child you love defy you with every ounce of being they possess with a fiery “no”. But even after becoming a parent and getting sucked back to reality fast, it was no preparation for the heart wrenching difficulties that motherhood can have.

The kind of heart wrenching difficulties that will take …your….breath….away.

Introduce the panic cloud. It is my best descriptor for how it feels in these parenting moments of the giant unknown – the abyss – where there is no knowledge or guidance, only a black hole of despair, fear and unknowing. The chasm where there isn’t necessarily a track record for success, a one size fits all pill that can be ordered by a doctor by phone to fix the problem. It can’t be traversed by common knowledge or a standard google search.

As the mom with Lyme of two little Lymies, we have had our share of time in the panic cloud. We have fought Asperger’s, pneumonia, severe food allergies, chronic constipation, parasites, Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, West Nile Virus, mycoplasm, mycotoxins, and the trifecta of Lyme. Oddities like hearing loss for almost 14 months for my daughter, and temporary loss of his legs for my son have plagued our household. We have fought most of these things in multiple fronts simultaneously and blindly. In the heat of some of the battles, my sheer exhaustion, helplessness, agony for my child, and wanting for normality would take…my…breath…away…..

I know a mother who put her 1 year old into a life dependent kidney surgery, a mother who battles daily seizures over her Lymie daughter despite years of treatment from the best doctors in the country, a mother who battled disturbing and sudden memory loss and brain dysfunction in her 8 year old daughter, a mother who fights a disease I can’t even pronounce let alone understand in two of her daughters, a mother who fought and lost the battle for her 9 year old with brain cancer, a grandmother and mother in law who prematurely buried each a son. These women, these mothers are the warriors that inspire and help me not be alone. Their very battles can cut through the panic cloud as it tries to engulf me in the wee hours of the morning over a sobbing, sleepless, pain-stricken child.

I….will…not….panic. I….can….breathe. I……can….act. I….will…act.

I have no solutions for keeping out of the panic cloud forever. I know it will return, it is a boomerang in the life of a warrior mommy who lives outside the norms of motherhood. What I can impart is how to breathe within it and survive until its departure. Survival that doesn’t have to look pretty or perfect or ideal. This kind of survival is ragged, ruthless, nail biting, and involves the skin of your teeth – but it does involve breathing within the cloud

First I pray. I pray. I pray. I beg for wisdom, from He who gives it generously. It is only with His strength that I can breathe. It is only through His strength that I am able to act. Without fail He provides me a next step, an open door, the guidance I need. It is not often relief, or immediate healing, but He always answers.

For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. (Proverbs 2:6)

Then I remind myself that he loves my children even more than I could fathom, seeing as how He knew them before they were even formed, “when they were woven together in the secret place. His eyes saw their unformed bodies.” (Psalm 139:15-16)

Lastly, do not go it alone. Do not think for a split second you can survive a panic cloud without the Lord and the support of other warrior mommies. There are many fabulous chat rooms and facebook groups of Moms who are fighting chronic illnesses for their children. Find a local group if you can and meet face to face with a mom you admire that has fought the fight or is in the middle of a fight herself.

I leave you all with this prayer in your battle and I pray for you to be strengthened and to be able to breathe.

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people,  and his incomparably great power for us who believe. (Eph 1:17-19)

Blessings,

Janice

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