Why on earth does it feel like some days you are cruising along and then WHAM, you are knocked back down again?
Why does it feel like you got hit by a freight train and all you did was plan your child’s birthday party?
I have a very wise doctor who did a fabulous job explaining this to me one time, so I hope I do it justice in explaining. Its the idea of the reserve tank or your functioning level.
You can be a functional human being at 60-70% and still get to work, still get homework done, still do soccer practice, still cook supper and then crash at the end of the day. In fact I was this functional human being for about 10 years before my HUGE crash of Lyme. But it only took one little push of a feather to knock me over. If one of the kids got sick, I would take care of it and by the time they were better, I would have to sleep for 3 days to recover. I had no reserves. So I was 60% and then Wham, I get knocked out with a cold and now am at 45% and completely nonfunctional.
If I was a “normal” person (which in fact, in this world doesn’t actually exist) and was functioning at 90% most days, and got the same cold, I would only be knocked down to a 75% and would still be highly functional, right? Just a little snifflly, take some cold medicine, go to bed early and keep on keepin on.
But I was not, nor still am I a “normal person”. I was running around trying to conquer the world (Type A personality – long story, different day) and only had just above a half a tank. So when my body needed more due to a stressful situation like a funeral, sick kid, loss of job, etc, it sent my tank way below half which is not very functional.
No wonder I felt tired all the time. No wonder I bit everyone’s head off. I always thought of myself like a packmule, Pile it on, I could take it. It was probably more like a packmule with two legs trying to drag a load across the floor.
I know I’m not the only one. Yes, I am building my reserves now, but a little at a time. I feel like I am 90% better until something rock my world like two school projects and company coming all same week. Its humbling to realize you are still only functioning at 60-70%. But hey, no complaints here. Anything about 50% feels like I can fly to the moon and back, right? Who need 100% when I can do all this at 60%?
We all need 100%, we need a reserve tank, we need functional adrenal glands that can recognize what is danger or stress and what it not. We need to take stock and ease back into the pool a little slow at times so we can fully recover. I started feeling better and I was ready to go out and climb that mountain.
Yes, take advantage of the good days, because in the beginning they are few and far between. But remember that your body still has to heal. Take life slower and easier and enjoy the ride (easy for me to say, harder for me to do). Find your new “normal” and stay there. Don’t be the person you were before chronic illness, be a better version of yourself.
There will be ups and downs, plenty of them while you are healing and for the rest of your days. Ride them out. Be ready for them, they are coming. Enjoy the ups and brace yourself for the downs.
The Lord will indeed give what is good, and our land will yield its harvest. Righteousness goes before him and prepares the way for his steps. (Psalm 85:12-13)
Blessings and healing,
Janice Fairbairn
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