I watched one grandmother die as her physical body gave up but her mental acuity sharp as a tack. I watched another grandmother die as her mental self faded and thus caused her physicality to give way. I am in a new generation and am now watching my mom’s mind transformed by the fierce grip of dementia.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. (Ecc. 3:1-8)
I am still a parent with kids who still very much need me each day even though they grow more independent by the minute. I am not ready and feel unprepared to care for a parent. But it is the change of a season. Just a few years ago I was being cared for, and here I am being depended upon.
Its a testimony to the power of healing and the ability to conquer chronic illness. It is also a testimony of the fact that seasons do change. I thought at one time it would be impossible to care for myself again, let alone my family, let alone extra members of my family or extra kids – yet here we are.
It is a testimony to the length of our days. They are numbered. None of us knows.
Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. (Psalm 90:12)
I would chose to keep my mind and lose my physicality – but I do not get to chose. I have already experienced the loss of my mind through the battle with Lyme and would never chose to feel that vulnerable again. But I do not get to chose. I am imprinted with the epigentic predisposition to dementia – it looms there in my future ready to pounce.
But I am not promised tomorrow. I have only today. I have the right now. I have the ability to handle my right now better. I have the gift of the right now. I can bless others in my right now. I can be thankful for my right now, no matter how difficult or painful or harassing it is.
I only get one shot at this right now, this day. No do overs, no once agains, no replays of this right now. I can be selfish or I can be selfless. I can live life to the fullest or I can back down and play it safe.
I can be a warrior to all who need the sword. I can pray and pray hard. I can believe in the promise of eternity painfree. I can teach my kids about giving and about living. I can stop and smell the roses and I can plant some more for others to enjoy.
I can take care of my physical body but not fear that it will give way – someday. I can take care of my mind but not fear that it will too not live up to my needs. I can protect but I cannot live in ominous doom.
I can speak truth. I can think truth and I can live in truth. There is power in the mind and in thinking. I can let go of bitter roots and not hold a grudge and forgive and love. I can fill my heart and mind with goodness and truth so that when and if my filter is gone only goodness flows out (I hope).
I can pray for my loved ones to have wisdom and guidance and patience if I go out this way.
But for now, I will live and live better each day.
Blessings and healing
Janice Fairbairn – The Lyme Evangelist
softcover book – http://www.amazon.com/author/janicefairbairn
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