I will forget you – An Ode to Forgetfulness

I used to blame it on Mommy Brain. The more diapers I’ve changed, the more I would forget. Interruptions, crying, lack of sleep, hormones – all of it contributed to the condition I had. Forgetfulness. I used to be so responsible, so professional, so smart. What happened?

So I thought just forgetting an appointment, or forgetting where I put the keys, forgetting to buy formula or wipes when I was just at the store – I thought all that was bad, then Lyme came and rocked my world and my brain.

My brain fog was catastrophic. It was forgetfulness biggie sized.  I could not get thoughts from my head to my mouth. Somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I could still conjure up a thought, but I couldn’t get it out of my mouth. It was like someone had cut the cord to the plug in that connected my brain and mouth. I would have trouble following a conversation from beginning to end and remembering what in the Sam Hill it was about. I would lose someone’s name I had known for years as if that part of my memory was just flat out erased.

There are entire months and segments of time that are completely blacked out as if I didn’t live them – as if I was in a alcoholic state.

Two summers after chronic Lyme hit, I was sitting watching my kids have swimming lessons and chatting with some other moms. I had seen this one mom a few times that summer, but hadn’t met her yet. So when a mom I knew was talking to her, I approached to let her introduce me, so I could meet her – besides our kids were in the same swimming classes. After the introduction, she politely smiled and said, “I have met you the past two summers. Our kids have been in the same swimming classes every year for three years now.”

How do you respond to that? Humiliating. Humbling. Embarrassing. Horrific.

And I’m sure I’ve blacked out worse than meeting a mom at swimming lessons.

Well, I was doing so much better at retention and brain function until this past fall. I had a lipoma removed and an umbilical hernia operated on. Something about the procedure or anesthesia did not sit well with my brain. The forgetfulness and tongue tied-ness is back. Ugh.

I’ll just apologize right now. If I’ve met you since November, I probably have no recollection of it. I will not remember your name unless you tatoo it on your forehead right now. I have lists and notes and lists of notes and reminders on my phone to stay afloat. I will show up late for something or blow it off completely soon, maybe even today.

Its like I can only do two big things a day then the rest is just oatmeal mush. Feeding the kids and driving are the two I chose to do well, so the rest is well, sub-par to be quite honest. I am putting my essential oils on everyday (Brain Power by Young Living) and it is helping close the gap. Maybe I will be up to three big things per day by week end.

But then, its Easter week and I have to bring special snacks to two school parties and get Easter eggs ready for our Sunday hunt and possibly cook a holiday meal. I mean if the oil needed to be changed on the van this week, then the kids would be lucky to get fed at all. The dog goes without food often, I’m surprised they haven’t come to take her away. If we had plants or fish, I would have surely killed them off by now. I will likely forget to water the garden this summer, lock the doors on the house at some point, or close the garage door. I left the house in my slippers the other day and just shrugged and finished my errands anyway.

I park in the same general area at the grocery store and school parking lots, so I don’t forget where I parked. I really need a bright colored vehicle to help me in parking situations where I don’t have a habitual routine. Its maddening to exit a building and stand on the sidewalk to think and look as if contemplating the sunshine and not look like an idiot.

If you’ve ever seen Apollo 13, where Kevin Bacon’s character leaves a note saying “NO” on the button that would disconnect his team members from the Command Module before they were back in it. Those are the kinds of notes I have to make.

So, where is the punch line, the relief from this forgetfulness?

Well, the good news is that God forgets something too. He forgets our sin. Awesome. Woo Hoooo. Can I get an Amen to that? At least, the bad can be forgotten – not just forgiven. That’s one less thing I have to remember at least.

Don’t dwell on the can’t or the don’t or the forgotten, focus on the now, the here, the present, the new chance to remember. Not the yesterdays or the last years, but the today and then the tomorrow and the forward moving train.

The promises to hold fast to:

God is not unjust; he will not forget your work… (Hebrews 6:10)